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Friday, April 13, 2007

Jesse Jokes

"Jesse Jackson was involved in a three-car crash this weekend. I understand that no one was hurt, but I understand that two of the women in the other cars are now pregnant." —Jay Leno

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad." —Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson's wife was arrested in Puerto Rico while protesting the naval bombings there. Jesse said he was holding a meeting with four of his secretaries to decide what to do and that these meetings could run well into the night." —Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson is on a 70-day tour in five cities. One of the problems in this country, he says, is poor people that can't make a living wage. So starting today, he's bumping up the payments he's making to his mistresses by $10,000." —Jay Leno

"Jesse had unselfishly volunteered to go to China to help gain the release of the U.S. soldiers....He was going to go by himself, with no security. He was going to go alone. Once again, Jesse going in without protection." —Jay Leno

"I guess we didn't even officially apologize. Jesse Jackson called on the United States to officially apologize to the Chinese. Jesse said, 'An apology is not a sign of weakness.' And as President Clinton has taught us, an apology isn't even a sign you're sorry." —Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson's in trouble. They're going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that he paid to his mistress. See, he has just one mistress. Jesse uses the standard mistress deduction. As opposed to Clinton, who had to itemize." —Jay Leno

"As part of his ongoing financial disclosures, Jesse Jackson told the Chicago Sun Times this week that he doesn't have a checking account or a credit card. Probably because to get those, you need a job." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"It gives new meaning to affirmative action. She said, 'Do you want some action?' He said, 'Affirmative.'" —Jay Leno, on Jesse Jackson's extramarital affair

"Here's the worst part about this whole thing. During the impeachment trial, Jesse Jackson was Bill Clinton's spiritual adviser. In fact, that's where Bill and Monica got that cigar. Jesse was passing them out: 'Here you go! It's a girl! It's a girl!" —Jay Leno

"Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson — or should we say the 'very' good Reverend — is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's Operation 'Push'." —Jon Stewart

"Jackson was carrying on his affair with Sanford while he was counseling President Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. In fact, he even brought his pregnant mistress to the White House, one can only assume to show off to Clinton how to properly destroy one's career and reputation." —Jon Stewart

"Reportedly Jackson paid the woman $40,000 cash to move to L.A. where she is living in a $365,000 home and he is paying her $10,000 a month. Apparently, this woman has found the pot of gold at the end of the Rainbow Coalition." —Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson needs to recount his children" —a sign seen at Bush's inauguration

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Go to http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bljessejackson.htm

Jesse Jackson, the Man, the Movement, the Myth

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Booker T. Washington said:

"There is another class of colored people who make a business of keeping the troubles, the wrongs, and the hardships of the Negro race before the public. Having learned that they are able to make a living out of their troubles, they have grown into the settled habit of advertising their wrongs -- partly because they want sympathy and partly because it pays. Some of these people do not want the Negro to lose his grievances, because they do not want to lose their jobs....There is a certain class of race-problem solvers who do not want the patient to get well, because as long as the disease holds out they have not only an easy means of making a living, but also an easy medium through which to make themselves prominent before the public."

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